WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
