This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
