I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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