The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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