so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
