Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
