My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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