Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
