she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
