Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
