Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
