I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
