rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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