i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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