he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
