to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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