I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
