Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
