....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
