Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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