Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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