yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
