ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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