Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
