Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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