remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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