The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
