Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
