apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
