90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sext me about skeletons
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
