I cannot find my penis.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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