In the future we'll all be gay
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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