cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
PANTIES FOUND
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