So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
