if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
