Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
