I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
