after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
