i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
