I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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