oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
