I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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