so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
