I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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