Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
