Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
