We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
