I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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