I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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