Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
