I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
