chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
