So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
